I Explored a Discord Dating Server (So You Don't Have To)

What I Learned During my Time in the Hole

Photo by Denny Müller on Unsplash

I was having a conversation with my friend Pawel about dating apps when all of a sudden, he mentioned Discord dating servers.

I’ve never been a serious gamer. But the handful of times I’ve hopped on Civ 5 or Hearts of Iron, I’ve used Discord.

At this point, nothing in life really surprises me, so when I heard that people used Discord for dating, I stared at him straight-faced, beckoning him to explain further.

My friend told me that he was the dating server as a joke, and that it contained undesirable individuals such as scammers, bots, and content sellers (think OnlyFans).

This was the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard all week. Then I had an idea: why not make an account and watch these servers as if I were a spectator in an incel zoo?

My newest fascination is human psychology, so any insight into how people work is interesting to me.

During my time on Discord, I saw exactly what Pawel had told me about—scammers, bots, and OnlyFans models. What fascinated me, however, were the lonely men who were constantly posting at all times of the day.

OnlyFans Models and Bots

Sometimes, OnlyFans models would reach out to me. They would pretend to be my friend, and then they would ask me to buy their photos. I saw exactly what they were doing. Had I been touch and love-deprived, I might’ve felt a connection with these random women. I thought even the method they used to communicate was sort of plastic and disingenuous. They didn’t ask me anything about myself.

There was this one girl who, for two straight days, tried to convince me to subscribe to her OnlyFans. After she sent the link 3 times, and I kept making it clear I wasn’t interested, I just left her on read. She reached out to me again the next day. and came at me with a slick salesman's attitude, saying she “really liked me” and wanted to be my friend.

I called it out and replied, “You’re just doing this to then plug your OnlyFans”. She said, of course not, she thought I was a good person, yadda yadda.

Then I finally was like “Ok, I’ll be your friend, but nothing sexual”. And then she goes great and plugs in her link again.

Some women just straight-up asked if I wanted to buy, which seemed more genuine than this.

I asked some sellers if they were actually successful, and many told me they weren’t, which begged the question: Why are you on here?

The Discord Dating Server

The way that the dating server works is that you have introductory chats where people ask others to DM them.

Most people I encountered were sellers or bots. However, on the off chance I was speaking with a real human being, sometimes someone would message me and ask where I was located. Then they would ask to get on a video call or to “trade” explicit photos. I even had two instances where women were asking me, a meme profile without any introduction, if I wanted to hook up with them. The sad part is that I’m pretty sure some of these people were real.

It was very surprising how many people were on the Discord spending all day in sexual depravity. Whenever the conversation steered too sexual, I had to bow out. I wasn’t trying to get implicated in some weird quasi-prostitution scandal.

Getting Banned on Discord

Oddly enough, though, my profile, while being very tame compared to other people selling and buying sexual content, was flagged and received numerous bans from Discord. My guess is that content sellers saw I wasn’t serious and likely reported me.

I was unable to access my account, and Discord provided no reason for the ban other than some vague description of possibilities. They said accounts suspected of suspicious activities, bots, and spammers. This is part of the reason I believe I must have been reported.

Diamonds in the Rough

On the bright side, I did meet two people whom I spoke to about philosophy and still keep in touch with. They remarked to me that “I was one of the only people they’ve met who wasn’t interested in gooning.” I’ll take that as a compliment.

The lonely nature of the Discord dating server would cause anyone to go insane. It frequently consists of people spamming others with messages. People comment that they frequently get overwhelmed.

Discord Mirrors the Lack of Social Skills of the Younger Generations

Sadly, it looks as if this type of connection could increasingly be what younger people turn to as traditional dating fails. When asked why they are on the server, a frequent inquiry of mine, they would usually say that they are just bored or looking to date.

Many people I saw on these servers varied from 18-50 years old. Most were in their 20s, but quite a few were 30-year-olds. For people using it as a viable way to date, I wonder if they are just afraid of rejection in real life. I wonder if they have such severe anxiety that it prevents them from going out into the real world.

Connection is difficult. Especially if you grew up with social media and cell phones, where the main method of connection was a direct message on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram. I fear that COVID-19 only made these effects worse.

Now we have a generation of young people who want to connect, but don’t know how, and are increasingly turning to cespools such as Discord dating servers.

After a while, I started feeling a bit weird about being on this server. After a few days of my experiment, I was ready to call it quits. Some of the sexual content, selling, and desperation made me feel depressed. Online dating seems terrible for your mental health.