Swipe Hinge With Me (SHWM) Vol 2
Bikini Photos and NBA Prospects Enhance my Hinge Experience
Follow me, Alex, through the tsunami that is dating in my new series Swipe Hinge With Me.
Where logic meets libido, featuring an unfiltered look into the male mind while swiping through the cesspool of modern dating apps.
After the previous series, I matched with a couple of the girls I featured. Unfortunately, I had a terrible flu that had me in bed like a consumptive Victorian boy for a week.
I had a few dates lined up that I would have to break the news to. Luckily, most of them ghosted anyway, so that was that. I love when problems resolve themselves, but still, it left a crippling worry that I wasn’t good enough—especially after coming out of a fever dream.
I was already sadder than normal because I was unable to exercise and I felt like shit.
But we must trudge on and forget this. Perhaps these women got back with their exes, found someone else who was more responsive, or were just flakes to begin with.
I’m convinced I won’t find my soulmate on this app, so at this point, I’m using it for the memes and XP—like in Pokémon.
I have a theory that I’ll soon become the Charizard of Hinge.
Without further explanation, I’ll begin swiping on profiles and highlight ones that stand out to me.
Profile 1
Girl number one appeared on my feed, and I couldn’t tell if she was in shape or not. Her first prompt was: “Pickles belong on pizza,” yikes.
But she has a Harley-Davidson motorcycle shirt on in one of her pictures. This is important because I like motorcycles, and this is a shared interest. Also, giving her a ride on the back of my motorcycle is a great, cheap date idea—this way, I don’t have to buy anything. Maybe I’ll ask her for some gas money.
She also has an affinity for bugs. She mentions it twice in one prompt. That’s kind of cool. I wonder what kind of bugs she likes. I love rats. I’ve been known to scope out dark alleys in Philadelphia on the lookout for them.
In another picture, she has a glow-in-the-dark shirt that says “slut” on it. I don’t know what that’s about, but I like the confidence. Im sold.
Profile 2
The next girl has a bikini photo as her first picture, ok, you have my attention. I’m tempted to just respond with the eye emojis, but I’m a man of class and substance.
She claims that “Over the Hedge” is the best animated kids’ movie. That’s weird. I remember I rented that movie at Blockbuster and never returned it. Maybe she has a point.
Although most Disney Pixar movies, Shrek, and The SpongeBob Movie already come to mind as being better.
She says that she knows the best spot in town to get high and find the shadow man. I think I’ll stick to Benadryl and the Hat Man, but that’s a nice thought.
She convinced me. I’ll swipe, but I won’t enjoy it too much.
Profile 3
The next girl is not my usual type. She’s 5’9, blonde, and looking for a LT relationship.
That’s very scary to me. I don’t usually consider women I meet on Hinge for that. I want to meet the woman of my dreams like in a movie, because I’m delusional.
She’s very cute, though, and the eyes are the windows to the soul, right? Maybe she’s one of those girls who pretends to say she wants a long-term relationship so guys aren’t put off.
It looks like she’s into emo bands, and she’s too wholesome to pass up. This girl is cute enough and has the basic personality (on paper) to maybe fit in that small category of women I like.
She has a passage where she offers to clean a closet because her color coordinating is apparently top-notch—she just requires a graphic tee as payment.
I’m saying, “My closet looks like Narnia rn, I need your help. You can have a Weezer, Ramones, or Metallica tee as payment ;)”
Smooth or plain stupid? Probably both.
Profile 4
Next is a girl whose first picture is in front of the Eiffel Tower—Oooo lala. I have great memories of that city.
She likes house music and 2 am walks. Um, this won’t work with my Ashton Hall routine.
She’s 5’10, damn that’s a big boy. Our kid might be in the NBA.
Her other photos are kind of boring, and her other prompts are just rinse and repeat from what she had already said.
This is my first no of the day. I thought I was being too lenient today.
Profile 5
Next, we have the first prompt as “my simple pleasures cigarette”. That doesn’t make sense grammatically, but maybe she’s foreign—these folks usually smoke anyway.
She has hippie vibes, which I like. I’m a sucker for people who appear open minded.
Her other comment is very poetic and unique, and I won’t repeat it, but paraphrasing, it says that there is nothing in this world but pain. This could indicate mental illness or depression, or a creative mind.
She’s too cute not to match with, but she’s a little brooding and mysterious.
I responded to the only pain in the world prompt by saying “not when you’re with me ;)”
AND TIIIIIIME.
Conclusion
That’s it. The show is over, leave.
Just kidding. Thank you for reading. And stay tuned for the next chaotic edition of SHWM!
Haha this was great. Your own satirical lore replacing getting high and the shadow man. Then placing depression and a creative mind next to each other. I don’t have nearly as much class when swiping hinge.